Are we the actors and producers of our own dramas? Part Three

In the previous post we analyzed why do people create dramas and how to recognize that we are caught up in one. In this post we are going to learn how to free ourselves from our old patterns and how to get out of them.

We attract the people with similar dramas

You always need two people (at least) to make a drama. So, whenever we find it easy to blame someone else for some situation, it would be of great use to find out our part in it and our reaction to it. The dynamic of some conflict depends on our own contribution to it. Thinking that someone else is only responsible for it doesn’t function anymore. Just like it’s programmed, we attract people with similar dramas. We then create the problem and everyone plays their part. When we think about it deeper, we see that our roles don’t change, but rather they keep repeating in cycles until we become aware of our patterns of behavior and start consciously responding to situations and to the behavior of other people.

The role we play in other people’s drama is really our own

Before we start feeling uneasy about someone’s behavior towards us, we should first pause to breathe before we say everything we think about them. In that moment it would be ideal to stop the heated discussion and leave the solving of the conflict for some other time. It is best to retreat from the situation, before we say something we can regret later. There is no point of having any kind of argument under the influence of strong emotions. We need to remove ourselves and feel them in their fullest intensity. We should not analyze, define, repress or understand them. All we need to do is to just FEEL them. Crying is a excellent way of neutralizing the emotional charge. For me it helps if I write about everything that I feel. It doesn’t matter in what way, it is just important for it to be let out in some way, so we don’t end up hurting other people. When we have let out of our body what we were feeling and when we see that what we have written down is pointless and silly. That is a sign that the moment is perfect for us to throw away the written papers and to go out with a calm mind and find a solution for the problem.

Photography: Srđan Garčević @sergesrdjan

When was the first time we felt this way?

For the ones that want to seriously work on themselves and their patterns, it can be of help if they ask themselves when was the last time they felt that way. And the time before that? When was the first time they felt this way? In this way we bring awareness to the event or person that created our pattern of behavior and we become aware our typical reaction that has been imprinted in our subconscious years ago. If we approach conflicts in this way, we enter an awareness of our dramas. During a conflict, in most cases we are not reacting to the behavior of the other person, but to the unintegrated emotional charge we are carrying inside of us for years. That person is just it’s messenger. Because of these “negative” emotions we shouldn’t judge ourselves. It is just a sign that we have some inside conflicts that in some way or other remind us that they are waiting to be resolved.

When we know why, the game stops

When we become aware of our own dramas, we can then notice the dramas of others. When we question why is someone doing something and what is it that they are trying to accomplish with it, we get a clearer insight into the situation and we can stop ourselves from unconsciously playing a role that is expected from us. When we find out the motives of others we can find out the cause of their drama. However, we shouldn’t judge them for it. People mostly don’t do it consciously. Even when it seems like they are purposely manipulative, they are doing it because they don’t know any other way. They are causing themselves the most pain, and we shouldn’t add to it by judging them.

I get, you get

When we as their drama partners get out of the drama, their concept starts caving in. However, the people that are communicating with us in this kind of way can feel our change and can become even more aggressive and persistent, trying to pull us again into playing our role. This can be a big challenge for someone still adopting a new way of behavior. But, our consistency and persistence while repeating the same calming thoughts just like a “broken record” will at some point in time give us results. Even though, this takes some effort to do, the pay off can be big. We will slowly but surely start letting go of all of our toxic relationships with other people and the quality of our lives will become drastically better. Freed from our own dramas we can then communicate with other people in an assertive manner and express our needs surely and convincingly, without harming the needs of others. When we address people in that way, there is a greater possibility that we will get positive reactions and that they will be more willing to meet our needs. Even when that doesn’t happen we will not take it personally. We will know that it is their problem and we will without making a drama, simply move on.

Another good side of this is that we become better parents, freed from our own dramas, that know how to unconditionally love and raise our children without punishing them by taking our attention and love away. This is how a new generation of healthy people is raised that will be able to love themselves truly and who will be aware of their worth no matter the circumstances. This is how we will contribute to the whole evolution of the humankind.  

Author: Ana